I'm just sayin'

The Last Mile’s the Longest

on October 19, 2012

Recently, I have heard a couple of phrases that I’m just not sure about. Not sure if they( the phrases not the people) are oxy morons or just people not thinking clearly about what they are saying. You’ve probably heard at sometime in your life oxy-morons like jumbo shrimp, free rent, old news. The other day, I heard someone say, “She over-exaggerates everything.” I had to look twice to see if the person was being silly intentionally. But no, they meant to say that. Is stating someone “over-exaggerates EVERYTHING,” an exaggeration in itself? And can you really OVER exaggerate.  OVER exaggerate? Isn’t exaggerating already OVER the top  – so using the term OVER exaggerating is a waste of breath and unnecessary. Really.

Along the same line, I heard the other night on the news a newscaster use the term ‘senseless crime.’ I tried to think of a crime that made sense. Couldn’t come up with one. Killing or maiming someone in self defense is not a crime, although it MAKES SENSE to kill or maim a person about to kill or maim you. But I’ve never heard anyone say, “Oh, now THAT crime makes sense.”  Another phrase I have often heard people say is, “I’m thinking out loud.” How? Is that something like ventriloquism?  Thinking out loud – last time I checked, my thinking went on inside my head. I’m assuming all the little voices telling me what to do inside my head is really me thinking. I think?

How about “act naturally”? Usually, this is said as the cops are waving you and your drunk friends over at a sobriety check point. But if you’re acting, is that natural? I’m just sayin’. But the one that wins the prize this month for the most oxy-moronish phrase is…. drum roll here, “uncontrollable diarrhea.”  Really? Uncontrollable diarrhea? When is diarrhea controllable? And if you COULD control it, would it be diarrhea? And what would you do to control it? And why would you want to CONTROL it? Wouldn’t you want to get rid of it? You don’t want it hanging around and find out you really don’t have it controlled. And because diarrhea is not controllable, I think it’s the best ‘call-in-sick-excuse’, ever. Really. If you call your work and tell them you have a cold and they really need you at work you can take some meds and get rid of your stuffy nose and can get by for the day. You might feel like crap, but you can work. But if you have diarrhea you can’t even drive to the store to get yourself some anti-diarrhea medication. It’s just not a chance most people are willing to take. And how can your boss guilt you into coming to work anyway? What would that conversation be like;         YOU: ” Hello, yeah I won’t be in to work. I have diarrhea.”  BOSS: “Man, we are really busy today. Can’t you just come in for a little while?” YOU: Dude, I have diarre… gotta go. bye.” Seriously  it’s not something you can ‘control’. So I think it can be left unsaid, if you have diarrhea, I KNOW it’s uncontrollable.

I’m telling you though, if you think you have ridden the wave of diarrhea and you go to work, only to find out your diarrhea is not ‘under control’ and you crap your pants, it will not matter what good you have ever done in this world; if you are the best teacher, the best volunteer, a girl scout leader, a Bible Camp Counselor, Bill Gates, speaker of he house – No matter what accolades you have hanging on your wall, if you crap your pants you will always be known as the person who crapped their pants. I can just hear people around the water cooler, ” Hey, did you hear Joe is being honored tonight for his fundraising skills for babies with AIDS and for his years of work with orphaned elephants?”  “Joe who? Oh, the guy who crapped his pants.”  I’m just sayin’. It’s not uncontrollable Diarrhea, it’s just plain ol’ diarrhea.

PS- Statistics show one out of four people SUFFER from diarrhea. So does that mean the other three enjoy it? I’m just askin’.


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