I'm just sayin'

The Last Mile’s the Longest

Recently, I have heard a couple of phrases that I’m just not sure about. Not sure if they( the phrases not the people) are oxy morons or just people not thinking clearly about what they are saying. You’ve probably heard at sometime in your life oxy-morons like jumbo shrimp, free rent, old news. The other day, I heard someone say, “She over-exaggerates everything.” I had to look twice to see if the person was being silly intentionally. But no, they meant to say that. Is stating someone “over-exaggerates EVERYTHING,” an exaggeration in itself? And can you really OVER exaggerate.  OVER exaggerate? Isn’t exaggerating already OVER the top  – so using the term OVER exaggerating is a waste of breath and unnecessary. Really.

Along the same line, I heard the other night on the news a newscaster use the term ‘senseless crime.’ I tried to think of a crime that made sense. Couldn’t come up with one. Killing or maiming someone in self defense is not a crime, although it MAKES SENSE to kill or maim a person about to kill or maim you. But I’ve never heard anyone say, “Oh, now THAT crime makes sense.”  Another phrase I have often heard people say is, “I’m thinking out loud.” How? Is that something like ventriloquism?  Thinking out loud – last time I checked, my thinking went on inside my head. I’m assuming all the little voices telling me what to do inside my head is really me thinking. I think?

How about “act naturally”? Usually, this is said as the cops are waving you and your drunk friends over at a sobriety check point. But if you’re acting, is that natural? I’m just sayin’. But the one that wins the prize this month for the most oxy-moronish phrase is…. drum roll here, “uncontrollable diarrhea.”  Really? Uncontrollable diarrhea? When is diarrhea controllable? And if you COULD control it, would it be diarrhea? And what would you do to control it? And why would you want to CONTROL it? Wouldn’t you want to get rid of it? You don’t want it hanging around and find out you really don’t have it controlled. And because diarrhea is not controllable, I think it’s the best ‘call-in-sick-excuse’, ever. Really. If you call your work and tell them you have a cold and they really need you at work you can take some meds and get rid of your stuffy nose and can get by for the day. You might feel like crap, but you can work. But if you have diarrhea you can’t even drive to the store to get yourself some anti-diarrhea medication. It’s just not a chance most people are willing to take. And how can your boss guilt you into coming to work anyway? What would that conversation be like;         YOU: ” Hello, yeah I won’t be in to work. I have diarrhea.”  BOSS: “Man, we are really busy today. Can’t you just come in for a little while?” YOU: Dude, I have diarre… gotta go. bye.” Seriously  it’s not something you can ‘control’. So I think it can be left unsaid, if you have diarrhea, I KNOW it’s uncontrollable.

I’m telling you though, if you think you have ridden the wave of diarrhea and you go to work, only to find out your diarrhea is not ‘under control’ and you crap your pants, it will not matter what good you have ever done in this world; if you are the best teacher, the best volunteer, a girl scout leader, a Bible Camp Counselor, Bill Gates, speaker of he house – No matter what accolades you have hanging on your wall, if you crap your pants you will always be known as the person who crapped their pants. I can just hear people around the water cooler, ” Hey, did you hear Joe is being honored tonight for his fundraising skills for babies with AIDS and for his years of work with orphaned elephants?”  “Joe who? Oh, the guy who crapped his pants.”  I’m just sayin’. It’s not uncontrollable Diarrhea, it’s just plain ol’ diarrhea.

PS- Statistics show one out of four people SUFFER from diarrhea. So does that mean the other three enjoy it? I’m just askin’.

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Not Sure It’s A Win

I read a story last week about a Florida based children’s party event; your kids can swim with baby alligators – in the pool, with the gator’s mouth taped shut. SERIOUSLY. There is really something wrong with that, folks. First of all, it upsets me that they tape the gators mouth shut. And secondly, allowing your kid to get in a pool with a gator who pees and poops in water? Oh yea, and the part about there being potential for something to go awry and your kid is maimed or killed …  all for only $175.00 I’m just sayin’. NOT right.

I wasn’t even going to mention the kid’s pool/gator/later therapy party. It just happened. What really caught my eye in the newspaper this morning – yes newspaper, all sections. Okay, I skip the sport’s page unless I’ve absolutely read everything else. So, today I read a blurb about a guy, again, in Florida. A lot of weird stuff seems to happen in Florida. Anyway, 32-year-old Edward Archbold died shortly after eating dozens of live cockroaches with worm chasers. Eating and cockroaches shouldn’t even be used in the same sentence. Unless you say, “Hey look, a cockroach is eating another cockroach.” What the heck is wrong with people? LIVE COCKROACHES. I wonder what kind they were.  American Cockroach, big ol’ brown German Cockroach, the huge Madagascar Cockroach? It really doesn’t make it a lot better for me where they traveled from or if the roaches were dead and deep-fried. Not happening. Archbold’s cause of death is unknown. Really? Do you think there’s a medical term for man-over-doses on cockroaches? What’s it going to say on that man’s death certificate?  1) Died of humiliation, oh yea, and 2) he over-dosed on cockroaches. I am positive over-dosing on live bugs will not be my claim to fame. Just the thought of touching a disgusting, disease carrying roach makes my skin crawl. There’s not enough anti-bacterial hand-sanitizer for me to do that. No. No. No.

Well, dead Ed Archbold, winner of the cockroach-eating contest will not get to enjoy his prize; a live python. Seems like a lose-lose situation to me. I think poor Archbold ended up on the losing end of that win either way.  RIP.

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Show and Tell . . .

In a black and white photography class I took a decade or more ago we experimented with different types of  black and white film. Remember film? One of the films we worked with briefly was infra-red. It’s really hard to know what results you’ll get with infra-red film. Perhaps if a person worked with it regularly they would get to know the characteristics of the it. But we just had one class assignment so for me it was hit or miss – I had no preconceived notion as to what to expect. And it’s a good thing I didn’t have any expectations, I may have been disappointed. I recently found the one image I printed from the roll. There were some others that were okay. But I thought this one was the best of the experiment. Just thought I’d share…

The image, a tree in a pasture just south of the bridge that crosses over the Stanislaus River north of Modesto, California and south of Escalon, California was taken with infra-red film.


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